


reflection

by PictureMeBroken



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Open Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:42:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27115583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PictureMeBroken/pseuds/PictureMeBroken
Summary: When Kai looks into the mirror, he sees himself;When Sehun looks into the mirror, he doesn't know who's looking back at him.
Relationships: Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Kim Jongin | Kai, Kim Jongin | Kai/Oh Sehun, Lu Han/Oh Sehun
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	1. vultures

**Author's Note:**

> Another repost from AFF
> 
> This was inspired by a quote I ran across on Tumblr a long time ago. 
> 
> "What if the reason we can't walk through mirrors is because our reflection is blocking us? What if they're protecting us because they know that the other side is an awful place full of misery and sorrow? But what if you're on the wrong side? What if you're the reflection."

The first time Sehun stares into the mirror but doesn’t see his reflection, he blames the lack of coffee. He thinks that he hasn’t gotten enough sleep and he’s still half-dreaming.

The second time he stares into the mirror and still doesn’t see his reflection, he thinks that his roommate’s playing a joke on him. He tells himself that Luhan has obviously gotten bored and done something to the mirror to annoy Sehun.

The third time, he’s not at home. He’s standing on the side of the street, glaring at the traffic passing by and tapping his foot impatiently, just waiting for the light to change so he can cross the street. But when the light finally changes, he doesn’t move; he _can’t_ move. Because he’s staring at the shiny window of the car in front of him, and where he should see himself, all he sees in lightly tanned skin, jet-black hair, and full, pouty lips. He hates himself a little when he stares at the car window for so long that the light turns green again and he’s left to wait once more before he can cross the street.

What Sehun hates more than himself is coming home to the dull one-bedroom apartment he shares with Luhan at the exact same time every single day to see that Luhan isn’t home yet but has left him a large pile of dishes in the sink that just scream “I haven’t been washed in weeks.” And just like every other day when he comes home, Sehun walks into the living room, completely ignoring the dirty dishes calling out for him to save them from their grimy fate.

He lies down on the couch, tugging at the tie wrapped around his neck until it’s loose enough for him to breathe freely, and sighs. He doesn’t bother with the remote sitting beside him on the coffee table, knowing that there won’t be anything on the TV; there never is.

It’s a vicious cycle, and endless loop of washed out colors and blurry faces that swirl around his head like vultures circling a corpse. And just like every other day in his life, Sehun looks up at the ceiling and wishes that the vultures would just put him out of his misery.

He falls asleep on the couch that day, thoughts filled with mismatched reflections and vibrant colors that he’ll never see in person.


	2. colors

Sehun dreams in color. Not the bleached out hues that paint his world, but vibrant colors that wrap around him and make him feel warm and safe and _happy_ for once. He dreams in colors that don't exist in this reality like a shiny red that makes his mouth water with the taste of apples and a sparkling brown that bring sweet thoughts about warm breakfasts on cold mornings.

His dreams are soft and bright and everything that defines _beauty_ to him.

But his dreams are lies. Because when he wakes up, there are no shiny reds or sparkling browns. When he wakes up he's weighted down. He's a feather being crushed beneath a rock, watching as the wind passes him by but unable to ride away with it and he's _miserable_. He's miserable and he knows he's the only one who feels that way because he's the only one that _feels_ in this place.

He used to think that Luhan felt the same way he did, that those big doe eyes were just as sad as his. Sometimes he can still convince himself that Luhan really does feel something for him, but he knows that Luhan is just like everyone else in this dreadful world.

Sehun sighs quietly when he hears the soft 'click' of the door falling back into place; Luhan's home.

“Sehun,” Luhan calls out, the sound of his bag falling to the floor following.

Sehun sits up, patting his sleep-mused hair back into place. “Living room,” he answers, shaking his hair out and standing to greet his lover. He wonders vaguely if the term really applies to people who aren't in love as Luhan enters the room. The elder smiles sweetly as he catches sight of Sehun waiting for him.

“Miss me?” Luhan jokes, pressing his lips against Sehun's. Sehun smiles as best he can. It's getting harder and harder for him to keep pretending. All he wants to do is disappear. He wants to run away, leave behind his family, his friends, and just run until he ceases to exist.

At least, that’s what he thinks he wants. But there’s a little voice inside of him that says _“That’s not enough.”_ And that little voice is the most honest one Sehun knows because it’s _not_ enough. It’s not enough to just stop living in this faded out world. Sehun wants to leave. He wants to see a world full of the colors in his dreams. He wants to fall in love and be happy and know that he’s not the only one who feels like that.

He realizes exactly what it is he wants when he looks into the mirror and, for the fourth time, doesn’t see his own reflection. Because he sees that man again. He sees that man and he sees the color in his cheeks, the emotions in his eyes, and he knows _exactly_ what he wants.

He wants to be on the other side of that mirror.


	3. voices

“There was a murder on the news today,” Luhan comments as he changes one night.

Sehun’s head snaps up from the bland pattern of their comforter at the statement, eyes trained on the older man. “That doesn’t make sense. They’ve never shown one before, what makes this one special?”

Luhan shrugs, pulling his night shirt down onto his torso and climbing into bed next to Sehun. “They might be showing it again if you want to watch before bed.”

Sehun reaches for the remote with a scowl. For as long as he can remember the nightly news report has been the same routine of weather reports, death tolls, and fake smiles from the news anchors; they never take time to talk about people who have died, so why is it different this time?

Static fills the room for a split second as the television flares to life.

“-the twenty-three year old, known only as Kai, was found on the subway this morning. Paramedics arrived to the scene shortly, but were unable to revive him. Authorities are still looking into the case, but as this point they have labeled this as a murder.”

Sehun’s breath catches in his throat because it’s _him_ on the screen. His cheeks are pale and colorless, his hair a faded charcoal rather than shiny black, and his eyes are cold and blank but Sehun knows that it’s him. It’s the same man that he saw in the mirror and he’s dead and the thought scares him more than it should.

Sehun stands, legs shaking and breathing labored as he rushes to the bathroom. Terror fills his heart when he reaches the bathroom to find the mirror blank. His pulse is racing and he thinks he may faint because it just _can’t_ be true. He had just saw him that morning, he had seen Kai, watched as he played with his dark locks and smiled and brushed his teeth and _how_ could he be dead?

“Sehun?” Luhan calls softly from the doorway. Sehun jumps, eyes wide as they land on the elder. “Are you alright?” There’s concern in his words but his voice lacks the emotion, worry in his expression but blankness in his eyes.

Sehun nods and turns away. He can’t bring himself to look at Luhan, to look and see the detachment in his gaze when he can still see flashes of Kai in his mind with bright eyes and rosy cheeks.

“I’m fine,” Sehun lies. “I just needed to use the bathroom.”

If Luhan knows he’s lying he keeps it to himself, nodding and giving tight-lipped smile before turning to leave. The door clicks shut and Sehun breaths out a sigh of relief.

The relief flees when he glances back up into the mirror, the dull shower curtain behind him reflected in the glass even though he isn’t.

He’s not sure how long he stands there staring at the mirror, but his feet are starting to feel as numb as his heart and he’s about to return to his room and go to bed when he hears it.

His eyes snap back to the mirror where the image of his bathroom has faded, replaced with bright teal tiles and a yellow shower curtain. Sehun rushes to the sink, fingers clasping around the cold porcelain.

It’s faint, but Sehun can hear a voice, one that most certainly doesn’t belong to Luhan. He strains to hear more and before long the voice is loud enough for him to make out specific words.

_“Soo, I’m gonna be late for work if you keep this up.”_ Laughter punctuates the words and Sehun can’t help the jealousy that swells in his heart because he’s never heard someone laugh so freely before and he knows he’ll never be able to do it himself.

_“Call in sick. I promise you’ll have a lot more fun here than you will at the bar, Jongie,”_ another voice says. Sehun scowls as Kai comes into the mirror’s view, a red haired man following with his arms wrapped around Kai’s waist as they laugh and smile.

Sehun swallows thickly but he can’t tear his eyes away from the couple. Ice roots in his chest and he just wants to go to bed but he can’t make his feet move.

He’s freed by Luhan calling his name through the door, the sound finally breaking the trance he’d been caught up in.

Sehun lies down but can’t sleep. Kai’s voice plagues his mind, the sound a phantom that keeps him teetering on the edge of consciousness all night.

It isn’t until he comes fully awake the next morning that he remembers that Kai is dead.


	4. memories

“Lulu,” Jongin calls into the dark apartment. He sighs when Luhan doesn’t answer and makes his way further into the living space. He flips on light switches as he passes, illuminating the pale yellow walls that Luhan loves so much.

Jongin stops when he comes to stand in front of a dark gray door at the end of the hallway. Luhan’s room is across the hall, but he knows he won’t find the elder there. Jongin bites his lip, fingers resting in mid-air above the door knob. He hasn’t been in this room in months, and honestly, he’s not sure if he’s ready to go in it.

Jongin counts down from ten, closing his fist around the knob and twisting when he reaches one.

He almost doesn’t believe his eyes when he flips on the overhead light; it’s like a scene straight out of a movie where it’s been years since someone died but their belongings had remained unmoved, like someone was just waiting for them to come back and start living there again.

Jongin feels sick as his eyes roam over the room, taking in the dark gray paint spots splattering the white baseboard, – _“Jongie, be careful, you’re going to get paint everywhere if you don’t start paying attention to the brus-Jongin!” –_ the plush black carpet that’s just a shade lighter the few feet of space in front of the door, – _“…You seriously didn’t get enough carpet?” “It was the last roll they had in this shade of black!” “…Why am I still friends with you?” –_ and finally the one bit of color in the monochrome room: a bright purple teddy bear the size of Jongin’s torso.

He’s on the verge of tears as he crosses the room to pick the teddy bear up off the bed and cradle it to his chest.

_“…You got me a teddy bear…”_

_Jongin beamed at the younger teen, holding out the stuffed animal for him to take. “Yes I did.”_

_“…You got me a bright purple teddy bear with a neon green bowtie…”_

_Jongin’s smile grew even more as he nodded. “Yes I did.”_

_The brunet sighed before taking the bear, the corners of his lips tugging up faintly. It was barely noticeable, but Jongin saw it and it was the closest thing to a smile he’d ever seen from the younger. Without thinking, he threw his arms around the brown-haired boy, the bear between them as Jongin hugged him tight._

“I’m sorry,” Jongin whispers, tears streaming down his cheeks and sobs threatening to choke him as he buries his face in the toy. “I’m so sorry. _I love you._ ”

“Why didn’t you ever tell him how you felt?” Jongin jumps at the soft voice from the doorway, turning to see Luhan leaning against the doorjamb.

“Because,” Jongin answers after his heart slows. “it just wasn’t the right time.”

Luhan sighs, coming forward to take a seat on the bed next to Jongin. “We both know that’s not it, Jongin. Why didn’t you tell him?”

Jongin squeezes the bear tighter, fingers clenching in the fabric until his knuckles blanch. “I’m with Kyungsoo, it wouldn’t have been fair to the-”

“Jongin. Stop,” Luhan’s voice is quiet but firm, but his eyes say that he already knows the answer to his question and that he’s known for a while.

“I…” Jongin trails off. When he finishes his voice is barely audible, but Luhan hears him loud and clear. “I was scared. I was scared that he wouldn’t feel the same.”

Luhan’s heart clenches at the confession. He’s always known about Jongin’s feelings for his younger brother and he’s always known exactly why Jongin had never acted on those feelings, but actually hearing it said out loud… “Jongin, you know he’s always adored you.”

“I know, but it’s not the same. He…he was always different, y’know. He was always so quiet and reserved and he just,” Jongin shrugs, a sad smile playing on his lips as old memories rush through his head. “He was something else. It’s almost like he wasn’t meant to be here, like he was from some other planet or something, but I’m glad he was here; I’m glad I got to know him,” The sound of tears hitting the toy still clutched in his arms broke the small silence following Jongin’s words before he speaks again. “I was just too scared to tell him that before because I didn’t think he _could_ feel the same. He was just always so detached from everything, even his mom and you, and I think I’ll always regret not telling him.”

Luhan wraps his arms around his friend, broken sobs tearing free of Jongin’s chest and shaking them both.

“I just miss him so much, Lulu. I miss Sehun _so_ much.”


	5. lying

It’s been two months since Kai died. For Luhan, it’s been a normal two months of university classes and work and coming home to sleep. For Sehun, it’s been two months of looking into the mirror and seeing a dead man and falling more and more in love with the world that he lives in.

He’s learned things about Kai in the time he’s spent watching him. He’s learned that his name is actually Jongin, that’s what everyone calls him on the rare occasion that sound filters through the glass separating them at least, that he orders his coffee black and pours at least half a cup of sugar into it before drinking it, that he has a boyfriend named Kyungsoo and that he works as a bartender on the weekends.

He’s also learned how to tell when Jongin is lying, which is exactly what he’s doing when Sehun catches sight of him in the mirror: lying to his boyfriend.

He can’t make out the words, he’s not good enough at reading lips and the room around him stays silent, but he can tell Jongin’s lying by how forced his smile seems, how insincere his eyes are, _how he looks almost like Luhan_.

Sehun shakes the thought off, watching as Kyungsoo leaves Jongin and his shoulders slump, a heavy breath passing plump lips. He looks how Sehun feels: tired. He looks tired and stressed and Sehun wishes that he could touch him. He wishes that he could walk through that mirror and wrap his arms around Jongin and bask in the radiance of the world he lives in.

But when he presses his hand against the surface all he feels is the cold touch of the glass pane keeping him from happiness.

Sehun hangs his head, fingers still splayed across the mirror and sorrow stinging his heart.

_“-ongin, where are you?”_

Sehun’s head snaps up as his blood freezes in his veins. Not because there’s suddenly sound, but because he knows that voice. It isn’t oddly familiar, it doesn’t sound kind of like someone he knows, he knows it.

_“The bedroom,”_ comes Jongin’s reply.

Sehun holds his breath, eyes locked on the screen and heart racing as he waits.

_“How long’s Kyungsoo gonna be gone?”_ the voice comes again, seconds before a mop of honey blond hair that Sehun knows like the back of his hand.

_“A while. He’s got class tonight then he’s going out with some of his friends,”_ Jongin sighs before sitting down on the bed. Within seconds Luhan’s sitting next to him, rubbing comforting circles on his back as Jongin shakes with silent tears.

Sehun stumbles back in shock. It’s Luhan in the mirror but it’s so obviously not his Luhan. Luhan’s hair doesn’t gleam like that, his eyes don’t sparkle with emotion, his voice isn’t soft and sweet and warm.

_“I can’t keep doing this, Lulu,”_ Jongin sobs, the sound of his tears sending pain straight through Sehun’s chest. _“I can’t keep pretending, I can’t keep saying ‘I love you’ when I know it isn’t true, I can’t keep looking at Kyungsoo and seeing Sehun!”_

**_Shattering_ ** _._


	6. epilogue; home

Shattering.

  
  


Broken glass littering the floor.

  
  


Visions flashing across his eyelids like falling stars shooting through the sky.

  
  


It happens so fast that Sehun doesn’t even register half of what he’s seeing until a flash of gleaming white teeth, jet-black hair, and a slightly fuller top lip pass before his eyes.

  
  


It’s Jongin, clad in middle school uniform, pulling him down an empty hallway with a brilliant smile lighting up his face.

  
  


The scene fades into one of Jongin and Sehun on their first day of high school and then into them sorting through love letters shoved into Jongin’s locker and then into Jongin auditioning for the university of his dreams and _then-_

  
  


_“Sehun?” Jongin called softly, pushing open the door and slipping inside when he received no answer. He padded across the room to press a gentle hand against Sehun’s forehead, feeling to see if he was still running a fever._

  
  


_Thankfully the medicine was kicking in and his fever had gone down. He had almost managed to fall asleep even, but not quite._

  
  


_He was still awake enough to notice as his bed dipped down where Jongin took a seat next to him, and he was still awake to hear Jongin sigh before speaking softly._

  
  


_“It really sucks I didn’t realize it sooner. I just thought I was being silly, that I had a little crush on my middle school best friend, and that it would go away as we grew up. But it didn’t, and now we’ve graduated and are going to different universities. We’ll have different schedules, different friends, it won’t just be me, you, and Luhan anymore. I won’t be able to spend every weekend with you here, and you won’t be able to visit me there all the time.” Sehun’s heart clenched. He wanted to stop this, to tell Jongin to stop being silly, to stop the tears steadily building in both of their eyes. “We’ll barely have time to be friends, let alone have a relationship,” Jongin sighed again, voice thick. “I’m sorry, Hunnie, I picked a really bad time to realize I love you.”_

  
  


_Sehun bit his lip as the elder leaned over to kiss his forehead. All he wanted was to lean up and have those lips move to his own, to tell Jongin that he loved him to and that they could make a relationship work, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t his place to love Kim Jongin, it wasn’t his place to love at all. He wasn’t meant to be happy and live in a world of love and light, but god he didn’t want to give it up._

  
  


_He wasn’t ready to give it up, but he couldn’t bring himself to take control of this life completely. Because Jongin and Sehun were meant to be, **but he was the wrong Sehun**._

  
  


Sehun screams, fingers gripping in his hair as the veil between what is and what should have been falls away, the fire of realization sweeping over him and scorching him from the inside out. His cheeks are wet, his sobs in time with Jongin’s as they cry over what they could have had, what they _should_ have had. He wasn’t meant for this, he wasn’t meant for this bleak existence where no one loves or laughs or cries or _feels_. He was meant for a life of happiness and love and he missed it all by some mistake and now he’s stuck and it _hurts so much._

  
  


Sehun cries, clutching his chest as wave after wave of pain crash over his heart like a tsunami of misery meant to drag him under and drown him with the weight of his own sadness.

  
  


It isn’t long before he’s on the ground, shards of glass slicing into his skin where flesh meets tile. Crimson stains his skin, vibrant with the life that he was supposed to live.

  
  


This isn’t his world, his world is on the other side of that mirror with Jongin, but he can’t get there and _he can’t stay here anymore._

  
  


No one will miss him, he realizes as blood blossoms against his skin like rose petals painting the flesh with the color and feeling he’s spent his life craving. No one will miss him, no one will mourn his loss, no one will shed tears for him except a man that doesn’t even know that he exists.

  
  


It only takes moments for the color to disappear once more, his head spinning and the room tilting as he falls, farther and farther into the abyssal blackness waiting for him with open jaws.

  
  


He should be scared, but he isn't. The darkness is warm and feels like peace and if he listens hard enough he swears he can hear Jongin's voice calling him home.

  
  


_'I wish I could come home to you.'_

  
  


And then he's gone.

  
  
  
  


  
  


_One minute he'd been alone, drowning in grief and regret and wishing that **he'd** come back somehow..._

  
_...and somehow he did. Somehow he came back, and there was warmth and life and **love** and they were never alone again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i honestly loved my whole idea for this story back when i wrote it, but like, i was writing it for a contest and deadlines and whatnot had me cut a lot of it out and i'm slightly tempted to go back and rewrite the whole thing and add in scenes that i cut off and whatnot, but for now, i'm just gonna repost the old work and leave it as is. 
> 
> the ending is open to your own interpretation, but i do actually have a like set canon for what happened, so if you're curious about that, you can hit me up on tumblr and we can talk about it lol
> 
> thanks for reading.


End file.
